Monday, December 26, 2005
Whew..... All I have to say is:
Thank God It's Over
It was a pleasantly memorable Christmas, it really was. I'm just thankful it's over with. As much as I love Christmas, it was too stressful this year.
Between stressing about money and time, I was exhausted.
Cole and I did have a nice gift exchange and lunch with Todd, Tyler and Kayleigh. Cole got trucks - bravo T, how did you know?? :P The kids taught Cole all about video games - oh crap, and now it starts...... But the funniest part of the afternoon was Cole wanting to write in the journal that we gave Kayleigh. "Momma, she didn't shawe and dat's not nice. I'n not gonna be hew fwiend.", he told me. Trying to explain to a 4 1/2 year old that it's her special book and she might not want to share - doesn't work like it should.
I puchased the last of the gifts and Cole helped me wrap. He and tape do not get along. Poor child!
I had to work Saturday - surprise, surprise - until 4:30. UGH!! I rushed home then rushed out to Graham for the festivities at my parents. Cole had stayed out there Friday night and hadn't been feeling well. Lucky for all, otherwise he would've been bouncing off the walls.
We opened gifts with all of us taking turns and Cole shouting, "You're up!". God forbid we go any slower. He got a scooter from G & G and began flying through the house. Thank God for no stairs!
Christmas morning, I awake to Cole whispering, "Momma, I tink I'm gonna frow up...". Yep, that's how my blessed Chrismas morning began. Poor kiddo. He only got a little sick, but was very lathargic for a 4 year old who just got a ton of toys from Santa.
We hurried and ate breakfast and then I had to haul Cole to meet his dad.
An hour away.
On CHRISTMAS morning. Argh.
Next year will be later. I understand that Ken wants and deserves to see his son, but I'm not going to interrupt Cole's festivities as much as possible next year. It's just not fair to him. And that's what all of this is about anyway.
And now Cole is gone for ....A WEEK..... at his dads. A week without him. Wha?? What am I going to do? Who am I?? I'm wondering who this is going to be harder on......
Hope you all had a FANTASTIC holiday. Next year will be better. This one wasn't bad by any means, I'm just ready to get things moving - whatever that is.
Love you all! Hugs
Friday, December 23, 2005
Yep, Christmas is almost here....
And you know what? I'm starting to feel it hit me.
The lonliness, the alone, the discarding.
I *was* fine, I really was. Ok, so I was hating every other customer that came in. And the couples......... don't even get me started. "Bite me", is what I wanted to say when they walked in. Grrrrr.....
My life changed drastically 3 years ago, right before Christmas. We went from this great, close-knit family with a new little one. All the hope in the world right in front of us.
And he took it and chucked it in the f***ing trash can. *I* didn't want this. *I* didn't choose this. *I* married for life and he just bailed. Just like that.
So now I take my pieces and try to rebuild.
This time of year is just as bad as Valentine's Day. Only you get to see more family who always have to ask, "How are you? Are you seeing anyone?".
But I didn't choose this.
It's been three years and it still isn't healed. I wonder if it ever will be.
I hear people say that "divorce is a choice". Oh really??? It sure wasn't *MY* choice. I *liked* being married. I *liked* being married to my best friend. I *liked* being a family. So who's choice is this really?? Cause I sure didn't sign up for this one.
Maybe they're talking about the ones that don't try. Yep, did that also. Went to counseling for five straight weeks, sitting accross from a man I thought I knew, with his arms crossed. Don't think that I didn't try, because God damnit, I gave 110% and then some.
I think we need to change the stigma on divorce. Especially for those who didn't choose it in the first place.
I not only lost my husband, but I lost my sense of self, my ability to trust and my best friend.
But it was a choice.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
I always forget how much I LOVE that song from Wham! Totally 80's and soooo Jr. High for me. Ahhh.... memories. :)
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby, do you recognise me?
Well it's been a year it doesn't surprise me
(Happy Christmas!)I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again
A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face of a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again
I adore the Christmas season, I'm the first to admit it. I love everything about it, the crowds, the hustle, the bustle - everything! Except when I'm poor, then it's just a downer all the way around.
This week has been surprisingly great! Compared to last weekend, I'm making strides.
I'm single - again - this Christmas.
Things came to a huge she-bang with my emotions and T. I was trying to be realistic about the whole thing, but was kidding myself at the same time. The Devil and Angel on my shoulders were dueling it out pretty harshly and I was oblivious. At least I thought so. I was in denial. But when you get such mixed messages from someone, it's hard not to. As a female, I'm wired emotionally. And in my case..... "super emotional" just scrapes the surface. He is shut down in that mind-set right now, but still gave me more than I've ever had. Ever. Which was confusing to me. I knew the rights and wrongs of it all, but you can't change what your heart feels. Ugh.
I read early on about the "ferryboat". It's the person that takes the widowed from their old life to their new life. A stepping stone, if you will. It was painful to read about. I wanted to believe I was more than that. But I am now the giver of the "Widda Scouts Premature Relationship Merit Badge". We'll always be friends. I know that for a fact.
"Everything happens for a reason....." Am I not always saying that?? :)
In happier news, Cole and I have been enjoying the holidays together! Watching all of those GREAT Christmas cartoons from when I was a kid. You know..... Frosty, Rudolph, Charlie Brown and The Grinch. He laughs so hard at the Grinch, it gets me giggling right along with him.
I've been able to see close friends lately and started to realize how much I miss that. We're all starting to have kids/families now and don't get together like we used to. (I'm sure everyone's neighbors appreciate it, though!) These are the people who knew me with Ken and after Ken. Kate, Traci and I baked cookies this afternoon and it was lovely to have the girl talk again. I love them. They've been there for everything. And Kate and I keep each other going with our struggles. Her with her desire for a child and me with my "man-erisms". We both know what it's like to want something....
I'm tired and losing steam, but wanted to let y'all know I'm still here and fiesty as ever!!
Let the lion ROAR!
And Jen........... when are we gonna get that God D@mn cup of coffee?? Sheesh!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
It started snowing today and it was beautiful! The calm, the quiet, the covering of the ugliness around us. Okay, so I was at work and it was busy - everyone and their brother wanting freaking egg nog lattes. Ugh.
The snow is a HUGE delight for me. I love it! I had a smile plastered across my face all day. (well, that was for other reasons also...) It's a cleansing, almost. Clearing the slate for a new beginning. God dangit - another sign.
I need to pay attention to these more carefully. Take things for what they are. Take people for what they are. Take their words for what they are. People really do speak the truth in so many ways. We just tend to change it into what we want to hear or believe. Heh - stupid humans.
Evaluating my life and way of living has been my main focus for the past three years. And I have to admitt, I'm a bit tired. Tired of thinking all the time. I over-analyze everything, and I'm finding out that many other women do it also. "Turn it off" has been a motto I try to live by lately, but it's not easy.
We all want different things, and that's okay. But the games and the bullshit and the bulk of the men out there really suck. Ah well. What can you do? Maybe it can snow in my head and wipe the slate clean.
Either way, I know Cole enjoyed the snow. I could picture him grinning at school when it started falling.
Snow.... my rare escape from reality once in awhile. Let it blanket us, so we can forget all of the ugliness for a bit. There's always tomorrow. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow !!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
You and Me
"What day is it? And in what month?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
The holidays are fast approaching and this is the first year I've had to deal with "co-parenting". Ugh.
Ken and I started talking today and he says to me, "I want Cole on Christmas Eve." Yep, that demanding. I proceed to tell him that "CE" is when my family celebrates the bulk of the festivities and that Chrismas Day isn't as big - we all sort of disperse elsewhere. "What, so you get him when you want and I get the leftovers?", he says. Leftovers....... interesting.
He goes on to complain that "everything is always on my schedule and what if he wants to have him for the week?" I've never said he couldn't and he's never asked. Then he mentions he's only had him once for Christmas, and that was probably for Christmas Day also. Ummm..... Well...... Let me see....... considering we didn't know where he was last year at Christmas, that I talked to him on December 21st and never heard another word from him??? That it wasn't until 4 months later that he finally called!! Aarrrgghh!!!! Seriously, are you kidding me with this??
So now that he's all high and mighty, "cleaned himself up", and has a new-found "family" he wants to call the shots on where Cole spends the holidays?? Um, No. He lives with me 98% of the time and his family is here. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad Ken finally pulled his head out of his ass to be a dad, but you don't get to call the shots when you just came back into his life 6 months ago.
He's a walking oxymoron. Literally. He tells me that I "owe him" for some extra weekends that he watched Cole in June..... WHAT?!? Did that really come out of his mouth?? I owe him?!? Riiiiiight, because the past 2 1/2 years that my parents took Cole EVERY single weekend doesn't count. Or the 3 years that I raised him by myself. Right, right....... seems fair.
We agreed to disagree about Christmas and that Cole will be with me C.Eve and Ken on C.Day.
I'm trying to be fair about the whole thing, I really am. I always have, "in the best interest of the child" in the front of my mind. Even when he called and said his plane was delayed and couldn't pick up Cole until Saturday, it wasn't a big deal - I could've been a lot nastier. Ken is a fairly decent person but everything has to be about him. "Why am I not getting what I want?", he asked me today. Ohhh.... Gawd.....
And after the "mis-hap" of him not showing up or calling two weekends ago, he wants to throw his weight around. Heh. Oh, Ken.....
Saturday, November 12, 2005
It's easy, it really is. Even if it's just a few sentences - that's okay. At least I have something uplifting to read. You all make me smile. To know that we have so much history between us is, well, warm and fuzzy. :)
This is going to be one RANDOM blog, I'll tell you that right now. No rhyme or reason to it, just me rambling on and on.... Where to start?.....
Cami - How in the heck do you NOT find Keith Urban hot? Like Jen said, the Austrailian alone for one and the shaggy/rock star hair with the arm cuff?? Yowza! Okay, so he sings country. Yeah, that's a minus. But Yum!
And Jen - The "being Aussie or drinking alcohol" comment was frickin' helarious!! Leave it to you... typical Jen fashion. I love ya for that, girlie. Happy Anniversary, btw, how was it? And how did Danny see pics of you and the girls?? I wanna see!!!!
And is it just me, or is anyone else SO FREAKING SICK of the Shane Co./ E.E. Robbins/Jared Jewelers radio commercials?!? Oh my gawd, I'm about to go postal if I hear one more commercial about engagement rings. Gag me.
Thanks, I needed to vent. In other news, my week has been fairly easygoing. I did get to have coffee with my "friend" on Wednesday, which was short but great. :) Cole has had a "green card" every day at pre-school this week!! Yay! (they get a rating of red, yellow or green - depending on how their day went) He seems less bossy and confrontational over the past week and a half. I say it's because he hasn't seen his dad, but that's just my opinion. He's a great kid, he really is. Very sensitive and emotional (gee, I wonder where he gets that from??). He'll be playing - trucks, of course - and just say, "Mommy, I yuv you". Him not being able to say his "L's" is still one of the cutest dang things!
What else?....... Oh, I'm looking into changing jobs. I *heart* Tully's, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel "useful". (I make a damn fine cup of joe, so don't even start with me!) Maybe it's too much Oprah last season, maybe it's all of the Tsunamis and Hurricanes, but I just feel like I'm here for a higher purpose. I need to find my "calling". Even if it is to read to children or possibly teach kids English in a third world country. Who knows, it could happen. My friends Ros and Cassie (lesbian couple) are going thru foster care/adoption classes and that really sparked an interest too. Anything having to do with children's causes. So please keep your eyes and ears open for me. Much appreciated.
Money has never been a motivator for me. I didn't grow up with money, it's just not me. As long as my bills are paid and I have a little left over, I'm OK. Yeah, I like nice things and enjoy the occasional trip to the mall (usually Old Navy) I'm not a fashion monger by any means. That's why I haven't went to work with my friends at DaVita. They all work with computers and make pretty decent money, but are bored out of their skulls or stressed out. No thanks. Money can't solve everything. To quote the Beatles, "I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love". (PS: do any of you remember that was also an 80's movie with Patrick Dempsey?? The now HOT doctor from Gray's Anatomy) Little bit of trivia.
Love you - but KEEP WRITING!!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Do you ever get the feeling that the Gods are plotting against you? That your good heart and strong will just doesn't do it anymore? When you're screaming, "bring it on!" but crumbling to your knees at the same time.
I don't know which disaster to begin with, so I'll just ramble (as I do best).
My parents and Aunt & Uncle (Dad's brother) drove down to Portland to see their cousins wife one last time. She was diagnosed with cancer and was given a short ammount of time to live. My mom said she expected her appearance, but that everyone else was surprised at her demise. "But she was awake", my mom said, sincerely.
"But she was awake..." It haunts me.
My ex-husband blew his whole weekend with his son. I understand that sircumstances come up. It happens to all of us. But when you can't even make a 2 minute phone call to explain!?! Grrrrr... And this leaves me aswering my son's repetitive question, "Mama, when daddy gonna be hewe" (he can't say his "R's" or "L's" yet, so I'm trying to give you the full affect). So not only did he NOT call, when I call and leave him a well-deserved snippy voicemail, he calls back and tells me to, "Calm down... why do you have to sound all snappy?" WHAT?!? Once again, the alcoholic in him turns it on me. It's never his fault. Right...
And after reading a blog of Dan's, I went to check out the comments. Jen had written that she was proud of the work he was doing for AIDS awareness, since her brother died of AIDS 3 years ago. Again, What?? Jen, I knew your brother. I knew him. He taught us cheer dances and routines. I knew him. He was so young and such a vibrant spirit. I'm so sorry... I didn't know.
In my own life, my mom was told she has Diabetes. Diabetes. Okay, not a huge shocker, it runs in our family, but my mom?? As for me, I'm more confused than ever. I've met the most amazing, wonderful guy who I'm really falling for... but he's still in love with someone else. Ugh.
Life. Is it really all relative? Do we choose our destiny? Or are we just in the right place at the right time? I've always believed that "Everything Happens for a Reason"....... But sometimes - no, wait - ALL the time I find myself asking: W T F ??
Cami mentioned the Thelma and Louise similarity. How many times can I feel that in a day? "Let's just keep on going..."
Saturday, November 05, 2005
It's one of those grey, pouring-down-rain kind of days in Washington. The kind we're used to. The kind where, if I had a laptop (silently cursing Dan and Todd), I'd be under covers in my bed typing this instead. The kind that make you want to snuggle on the couch with a special someone and watch a movie.
Ohhh, I love and hate these kind of days.
And these dreary days make me do a bit of thinking.
I've realized how far I've come in the past three years.
I've raised a handsome little boy who is polite, sensitive, courteous and fairly well-rounded. Don't get me wrong, he LOVES his trucks - "big rigs", especially. But he also loves books, painting, gardening, animals and music. He, on more occasions than I care to count, has kept me going, making me realize that giving up is the easy way out.
I've become a much clearer version of myself. I'm much happier now than I ever was. I like who I am as a person, I don't dread looking in the mirror and I'm content with my body. Yeah, I'm not Jennifer Aniston - I don't care anymore. I realize I'm human and I have flaws.
I have a house, a car, a job and the most amazing group of friends anyone could ask for! And my family?..... Don't even get me started. They've been my ROCK thru the smartest decision I never even had to make for myself. Between my parents helping out with Cole every weekend and Sean and Chantale giving me the Golf..... I'm forever indebted.
Divorce was always the last thing I thought would happen to me, but thank God it did. I have a clearer perspective of what I want now. I'm not going to settle. There are really good people out there. My patience gets the best of me sometimes, but I'm older, wiser and willing to wait. As Ben said, "It can't rain forever ". I hope you're right, I hope to God you're right.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
First, to add links to your friends pages - this is the easiest way I have found: I went to Cami's page and in the sidebar, it lists "Links", followed by "Google News" and then "edit me". I clicked on "edit me" and it brought me to a page that explained how to add your friends links or any other website you want to list. You just have to follow the code/instructions. I just copied and pasted it into my sidebar and violla! Links to Dan, Cami and Todd. Yay me! (This is *huge* for me, really.... do you all understand how tech. challenged I am??)
Please add your friends as a link - that way we can keep in touch easier.
Second, to add links to a website when you're writing a blog, I just did the "www." in front of the site and it did it for me. (Okay, so this one was a no-brainer, but still....)
I also learned that to upload a photo onto my main page I need a URL site?? WTF? My friend Gail graciously explained to me that it must be something like "photobucket". Okay.... well, I have my pics on a disc and this does not help me. Ugh. I even tried to upload a pic on my last blog, following Dan's directions and... nada. I could hear my computer running (yeah, sad I know) and it all seemed to go okay until I viewed my blog with no photo in sight. Ah well.... It's always a fun learning experience.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Went to a comic book Halloween party with my friend, Todd. Talk about interesting! I was breifly schooled on the realm of the comic book/RPG/sci-fi world. What a great group of people and highly intelligent I might add. (what the hell was I doing there??) I went as a cowgirl and my 6'4" date was dashingly handsome. If I can figure out how to upload pics.... um, on second thought, look who you're talking to. You'll have to take my word for it, we were CUTE!
I just want to say thanks to all of you for your comments and such. I LOVE hearing from you, even if it is just a little blurb. I'm still trying to figure out how we subscribe to each others blogs and if there is a notification message, etc. If you have the answer - let me know! Like I said, I'm the least computer savvy girl you'll meet.
Your can also check me out at: www.Myspace.com/lynnaecat and e-mail me at: Lynnaeleo@aol.com. Myspace is a free site also, I've met a ton of great friends and locals that way. Plus I have PHOTOS there - check them out!! Love ya!
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
It started Sunday, as it usually does, after picking up Cole from Ken. It's the "couple" thing, I realize that. This month marks three years that we've been apart. Three years since I stood in the bathroom staring at him and angrily told him to "pack your stuff and get the F*#K out." But it's not him I miss, I realize this also. I miss the unit, the best-friend I always had and the couplehood. And to have him be in a steady relationship pretty much off and on for the past three years just kills me. HIM!, the sleazy, sneaky, alcoholic that he is has had two long-term girlfriends! How does that happen?? Then I made the mistake of adding up my relationships. In the past three years, I've had a 3 month boyfriend and a 4 month boyfriend. Wow. What am I, a freakin' leppar?? To quote a line from Shopgirl by Steve Martin, "The blackness is not a thought, but if it could be pressed into a thought, if a chemical from a dropper could be dripped onto it causing its color and essence to become visible, it would take the shape of this sentence: Why does no one want me?" So Shevy was a little crazy and Randy "just wasn't that into me" (if you know the book). That's a whopping 7 months out of THREE years that I was with somebody. Wow, again.
I'm driving to pick up Cole from school Monday and I see family after family drive by me in their cars. And I just lose it. I want it so bad I can taste it. This isn't the first time either. It happens on walks, when I see families out in their yards doing "family" stuff. Summertime is usually worst for me, because everyone is out and doing things together. I find myself grumbling and sneering at them, subconciously.
I have a GREAT family, the most amazing friends ever, and the cutest, loving, caring little boy around (most of the time). So why do I feel so ungrateful sometimes? Because it's my life, and no one else is living it. Just like my friends, Dave and Kate, who have been trying for years to have kids. Or my friend, "T", who is now a single Dad because of cancer. It's our own reality, our own fight and struggle.
I did have a wonderfully uplifting conversation with a friend at Tully's today. We started talking about Bono and all the charity and AIDS work he does in Africa. From there is went on to agencies and groups that I might want to look into to get the ball rolling. I know there's more out there. And I want Cole to know that also. I think I'm here for a higher purpose and I'm determined to figure it out. That's my ranting and raving for the day, thanks for sharing!! :)
Monday, October 17, 2005
This years costume turned out fabulous, if I do say so myself. Cole and I ventured to Target for his costume and I forget how a 4 year olds mind changes every 5 minutes. Argh. "I want to be Thomas the Train", "I want to be Scooby-Doo", "I want to be Spider-Man"...... The list goes on and on. We settled on the Firemans costume with the black coat. (He was also a Fireman at age 2, this is an ongoing theme in his life.) Of course there was a try on session as soon as we got home.
The Full Moon is taking its toll on me this month... I feel exceptionally loony this past week. I hate being a girl sometimes. It's all the cliches, the wondering, the over-analyzing, you know..... the "why me?"'s. Maybe I'll come back as a man in my next life and I can pee wherever I want to. It's a start.
I love you all!! Thanks for checking me out and blogging with me! Keep in touch.