Monday, December 26, 2005

Merry Christmas !!

Whew..... All I have to say is:

Thank God It's Over

It was a pleasantly memorable Christmas, it really was. I'm just thankful it's over with. As much as I love Christmas, it was too stressful this year.

Between stressing about money and time, I was exhausted.

Cole and I did have a nice gift exchange and lunch with Todd, Tyler and Kayleigh. Cole got trucks - bravo T, how did you know?? :P The kids taught Cole all about video games - oh crap, and now it starts...... But the funniest part of the afternoon was Cole wanting to write in the journal that we gave Kayleigh. "Momma, she didn't shawe and dat's not nice. I'n not gonna be hew fwiend.", he told me. Trying to explain to a 4 1/2 year old that it's her special book and she might not want to share - doesn't work like it should.

I puchased the last of the gifts and Cole helped me wrap. He and tape do not get along. Poor child!

I had to work Saturday - surprise, surprise - until 4:30. UGH!! I rushed home then rushed out to Graham for the festivities at my parents. Cole had stayed out there Friday night and hadn't been feeling well. Lucky for all, otherwise he would've been bouncing off the walls.

We opened gifts with all of us taking turns and Cole shouting, "You're up!". God forbid we go any slower. He got a scooter from G & G and began flying through the house. Thank God for no stairs!

Christmas morning, I awake to Cole whispering, "Momma, I tink I'm gonna frow up...". Yep, that's how my blessed Chrismas morning began. Poor kiddo. He only got a little sick, but was very lathargic for a 4 year old who just got a ton of toys from Santa.

We hurried and ate breakfast and then I had to haul Cole to meet his dad.

At 11am.

An hour away.

On CHRISTMAS morning. Argh.

Next year will be later. I understand that Ken wants and deserves to see his son, but I'm not going to interrupt Cole's festivities as much as possible next year. It's just not fair to him. And that's what all of this is about anyway.

And now Cole is gone for ....A WEEK..... at his dads. A week without him. Wha?? What am I going to do? Who am I?? I'm wondering who this is going to be harder on......

Hope you all had a FANTASTIC holiday. Next year will be better. This one wasn't bad by any means, I'm just ready to get things moving - whatever that is.

Love you all! Hugs

Friday, December 23, 2005

Almost here....

Yep, Christmas is almost here....

And you know what? I'm starting to feel it hit me.

The lonliness, the alone, the discarding.

I *was* fine, I really was. Ok, so I was hating every other customer that came in. And the couples......... don't even get me started. "Bite me", is what I wanted to say when they walked in. Grrrrr.....

My life changed drastically 3 years ago, right before Christmas. We went from this great, close-knit family with a new little one. All the hope in the world right in front of us.

And he took it and chucked it in the f***ing trash can. *I* didn't want this. *I* didn't choose this. *I* married for life and he just bailed. Just like that.

So now I take my pieces and try to rebuild.

This time of year is just as bad as Valentine's Day. Only you get to see more family who always have to ask, "How are you? Are you seeing anyone?".

But I didn't choose this.

It's been three years and it still isn't healed. I wonder if it ever will be.

I hear people say that "divorce is a choice". Oh really??? It sure wasn't *MY* choice. I *liked* being married. I *liked* being married to my best friend. I *liked* being a family. So who's choice is this really?? Cause I sure didn't sign up for this one.

Maybe they're talking about the ones that don't try. Yep, did that also. Went to counseling for five straight weeks, sitting accross from a man I thought I knew, with his arms crossed. Don't think that I didn't try, because God damnit, I gave 110% and then some.

I think we need to change the stigma on divorce. Especially for those who didn't choose it in the first place.

I not only lost my husband, but I lost my sense of self, my ability to trust and my best friend.

But it was a choice.


Sunday, December 18, 2005

"Last Christmas"

I always forget how much I LOVE that song from Wham! Totally 80's and soooo Jr. High for me. Ahhh.... memories. :)

Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy

I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby, do you recognise me?
Well it's been a year it doesn't surprise me

(Happy Christmas!)I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes

I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face of a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

I adore the Christmas season, I'm the first to admit it. I love everything about it, the crowds, the hustle, the bustle - everything! Except when I'm poor, then it's just a downer all the way around.

This week has been surprisingly great! Compared to last weekend, I'm making strides.

I'm single - again - this Christmas.

Things came to a huge she-bang with my emotions and T. I was trying to be realistic about the whole thing, but was kidding myself at the same time. The Devil and Angel on my shoulders were dueling it out pretty harshly and I was oblivious. At least I thought so. I was in denial. But when you get such mixed messages from someone, it's hard not to. As a female, I'm wired emotionally. And in my case..... "super emotional" just scrapes the surface. He is shut down in that mind-set right now, but still gave me more than I've ever had. Ever. Which was confusing to me. I knew the rights and wrongs of it all, but you can't change what your heart feels. Ugh.

I read early on about the "ferryboat". It's the person that takes the widowed from their old life to their new life. A stepping stone, if you will. It was painful to read about. I wanted to believe I was more than that. But I am now the giver of the "Widda Scouts Premature Relationship Merit Badge". We'll always be friends. I know that for a fact.

"Everything happens for a reason....." Am I not always saying that?? :)

In happier news, Cole and I have been enjoying the holidays together! Watching all of those GREAT Christmas cartoons from when I was a kid. You know..... Frosty, Rudolph, Charlie Brown and The Grinch. He laughs so hard at the Grinch, it gets me giggling right along with him.

I've been able to see close friends lately and started to realize how much I miss that. We're all starting to have kids/families now and don't get together like we used to. (I'm sure everyone's neighbors appreciate it, though!) These are the people who knew me with Ken and after Ken. Kate, Traci and I baked cookies this afternoon and it was lovely to have the girl talk again. I love them. They've been there for everything. And Kate and I keep each other going with our struggles. Her with her desire for a child and me with my "man-erisms". We both know what it's like to want something....

I'm tired and losing steam, but wanted to let y'all know I'm still here and fiesty as ever!!

Let the lion ROAR!

And Jen........... when are we gonna get that God D@mn cup of coffee?? Sheesh!

Thursday, December 01, 2005


It started snowing today and it was beautiful! The calm, the quiet, the covering of the ugliness around us. Okay, so I was at work and it was busy - everyone and their brother wanting freaking egg nog lattes. Ugh.

The snow is a HUGE delight for me. I love it! I had a smile plastered across my face all day. (well, that was for other reasons also...) It's a cleansing, almost. Clearing the slate for a new beginning. God dangit - another sign.

I need to pay attention to these more carefully. Take things for what they are. Take people for what they are. Take their words for what they are. People really do speak the truth in so many ways. We just tend to change it into what we want to hear or believe. Heh - stupid humans.

Evaluating my life and way of living has been my main focus for the past three years. And I have to admitt, I'm a bit tired. Tired of thinking all the time. I over-analyze everything, and I'm finding out that many other women do it also. "Turn it off" has been a motto I try to live by lately, but it's not easy.

We all want different things, and that's okay. But the games and the bullshit and the bulk of the men out there really suck. Ah well. What can you do? Maybe it can snow in my head and wipe the slate clean.

Either way, I know Cole enjoyed the snow. I could picture him grinning at school when it started falling.

Snow.... my rare escape from reality once in awhile. Let it blanket us, so we can forget all of the ugliness for a bit. There's always tomorrow. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow !!