Thursday, February 23, 2006


This is a concept that I ponder on a regular basis.

Just when it seems like pieces of my life are falling into place, other parts and peoples lives aren't.

I have met the greatest man I could have ever asked for, who gives me everything I need in every possible way. He's intelligent, sincere, loving and even a bit of a smart-ass. :) Fantastic.

And then it's the other pieces....... My dear friend, Todd, who changed my life in such profound ways in the 6 short months that I've known him has had yet another tragedy. It doesn't even seem possible. On February 14th I sent him a little Valentine's Day text to let him know I was thinking of him. He replied with awful news: "watch the news in the next couple of days, the workers caught my house on fire. no shit."


Are you f-ing kidding me?? Seriously, with all that this man has been through in the past year and now this?? How does the universe really work? He loses his wife/HS sweetheart to cancer, then his dad, then the flood of his basement and sleeping quarters and now this. It's a total loss. Everything. Once I saw the photos it really hit home. I've been there. I've seen the pictures on the wall. The framed photo of his grandfather, father and Todd all at age 18, seniors in High School. The drawings and artwork from Tyler and Kayleigh. The fridge was covered in them. It's heartwrenching. And to lose another member of the family in the process - Punky, the pet cat. Ugh. I can't even begin to imagine.

Another part of the balancing act: My dad had a sore on his head removed to be biopsied. Skin cancer? He now has a huge, quarter-sized hole in the top of his head that is barely being held together by a few stitches.

And Motor, our 10 month old cat, is missing. Cole and I got home Sunday afternoon and he wasn't waiting on the porch as usual. He hasn't been home since. I've searched the alleys and called for him at the neighbors garages, since cats get curious and it's been so cold. But nothing. Now I get to put up flyers. To hear Cole ask, "What happen, mommy? Did somebody take him? Maybe he went to live with somebody else." is by far, the hardest part. Oh Moto......

Is it always a game of give and take or do things ever tend to balance out?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Saint Valentine

Love is in the air :)


For those of you who have been reading - I thank you. You've even expressed an interest in what's going on...... even more impressive. I will tease you no longer.

I guess the reason I haven't talked about it is because I don't want to jinx it. With all the crap that has gone on in my life over the past 3 years, I'm done with the let-downs. But I really don't see this as being a let-down. Ever. With my past relationships, I think I knew early on that something was missing. I was making excuses and justifications. That's not part of the deal anymore.

So....... my boyfriends name is Shawn. :) ( how great of a feeling is THAT to say??!! ) And for those of you who know me and my family - stop right there! I've heard the jokes already. Har har.

We met right before New Years and kept it very casual. Meeting every once in awhile to have lunch or see a movie. I went to Mexico but then called him instantly when I got home. We had a few more lunches and movies, but still nothing too deep. I remember telling my friend Maria that we had been on like 7 dates and nada! Not even a kiss. We hugged good-bye every time we parted, but that was the extent of it. She (being the fiesty lesbian that she is) asked me, "Do you think he's gay?" (smart-ass!!) I joked that I was starting to think so.

As I wrote earlier, we went to see Super Deluxe. Walking out to his truck after the show in the rain, he pulled his coat over my head and kissed me. Magic. I asked him why he waited so long and he replied, "Well.... we'll remember this." As simple and sweet as that. He said he could've kissed me anytime at his place or walking me out to my car - and that he wanted to - but that this would be memorable. :)

Also as I wrote earlier, he's a rare commodity, a gem, a keeper, a gentleman. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me think and makes me feel again. He makes me hopeful - not just for he and I, but for life in general. He's a big guy, 6'3" and has an even bigger heart. He tells me he's lucky. He tells me he's glad that I found him. He calls me for no reason, other than to hear my voice. He snuggles on the couch with me to watch a movie. He rubs my shoulders and feet. He hugs me in the elevator. He tells me that I rock! He sends me beautiful texts. He says he can't wait to see me. He asks if I'm warm enough. He sings to me. He plays me songs on his guitar. He pets my hair. He says I'm sexy. He holds my hand when we walk together. He looks at me before he kisses me and doesn't let go. He says I'm stellar. :)

But you know what? I believe I'm the lucky one. For all the things he says and does - the feeling is totally mutual. I give him all of this in return.

I used to despise Valentine's Day ( I still hate the commercialism of it ), but this year stings a lot less. :)

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Please don't pinch me...

If I'm dreaming, please don't wake me up.

Even if it turns out to be a nightmare, I'd rather stay asleep.

Because I'm *L*U*C*K*Y* to have met him.

Because I'm a tad smitten.

Because he's a rare commodity.

And you know what? So am I.

He says I'm awesome.

And I finally believe it.

Even though I knew it deep down inside.

This is how it's supposed to feel.