Wednesday, November 09, 2005
What next??
Do you ever get the feeling that the Gods are plotting against you? That your good heart and strong will just doesn't do it anymore? When you're screaming, "bring it on!" but crumbling to your knees at the same time.
Argh.
I don't know which disaster to begin with, so I'll just ramble (as I do best).
My parents and Aunt & Uncle (Dad's brother) drove down to Portland to see their cousins wife one last time. She was diagnosed with cancer and was given a short ammount of time to live. My mom said she expected her appearance, but that everyone else was surprised at her demise. "But she was awake", my mom said, sincerely.
"But she was awake..." It haunts me.
My ex-husband blew his whole weekend with his son. I understand that sircumstances come up. It happens to all of us. But when you can't even make a 2 minute phone call to explain!?! Grrrrr... And this leaves me aswering my son's repetitive question, "Mama, when daddy gonna be hewe" (he can't say his "R's" or "L's" yet, so I'm trying to give you the full affect). So not only did he NOT call, when I call and leave him a well-deserved snippy voicemail, he calls back and tells me to, "Calm down... why do you have to sound all snappy?" WHAT?!? Once again, the alcoholic in him turns it on me. It's never his fault. Right...
And after reading a blog of Dan's, I went to check out the comments. Jen had written that she was proud of the work he was doing for AIDS awareness, since her brother died of AIDS 3 years ago. Again, What?? Jen, I knew your brother. I knew him. He taught us cheer dances and routines. I knew him. He was so young and such a vibrant spirit. I'm so sorry... I didn't know.
In my own life, my mom was told she has Diabetes. Diabetes. Okay, not a huge shocker, it runs in our family, but my mom?? As for me, I'm more confused than ever. I've met the most amazing, wonderful guy who I'm really falling for... but he's still in love with someone else. Ugh.
Life. Is it really all relative? Do we choose our destiny? Or are we just in the right place at the right time? I've always believed that "Everything Happens for a Reason"....... But sometimes - no, wait - ALL the time I find myself asking: W T F ??
Cami mentioned the Thelma and Louise similarity. How many times can I feel that in a day? "Let's just keep on going..."
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1 comment:
Hey Lynnae,
First, on a funny note, I saw this Ford Expedition today. The license plate said Linnaes, and the license plate frame said I'd rather be at a Clay Aiken concert. I just cracked up. I pretended it was yours. Just kidding. Yes, Jeff did pass away about 3 years ago. He only found out he had AIDS when he had gotten sick, and it was too late for the treatments to work. The doctors said if he would have known sooner, he would not have gotten sick. But, I don't dwell on that. He led the most awesome life, and he knew it. Before he got sick, we went to Cancun, with a celebrity sports thing. I met William Shatner, Ian Zeirlling, and a whole lot of other celebs that must not have had a full schedule (if you get my drift) The main thing I try to do, is be the crazy nut he was. And that makes me laugh. No, I don't think it rains forever. Some days are foggy, partly sunny, and crystal clear.
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