Escape

I'm a lucky girl, I really am. It just takes a kick in the butt sometimes to make me realize it. If y'all don't know already, about every three months I get fed up with the world, the "rat race", etc. and want to take Cole to an impoverished island or beach somewhere and teach little ones English. This is one of those times.


It started Sunday, as it usually does, after picking up Cole from Ken. It's the "couple" thing, I realize that. This month marks three years that we've been apart. Three years since I stood in the bathroom staring at him and angrily told him to "pack your stuff and get the F*#K out." But it's not him I miss, I realize this also. I miss the unit, the best-friend I always had and the couplehood. And to have him be in a steady relationship pretty much off and on for the past three years just kills me. HIM!, the sleazy, sneaky, alcoholic that he is has had two long-term girlfriends! How does that happen?? Then I made the mistake of adding up my relationships. In the past three years, I've had a 3 month boyfriend and a 4 month boyfriend. Wow. What am I, a freakin' leppar?? To quote a line from Shopgirl by Steve Martin, "The blackness is not a thought, but if it could be pressed into a thought, if a chemical from a dropper could be dripped onto it causing its color and essence to become visible, it would take the shape of this sentence: Why does no one want me?" So Shevy was a little crazy and Randy "just wasn't that into me" (if you know the book). That's a whopping 7 months out of THREE years that I was with somebody. Wow, again.

I'm driving to pick up Cole from school Monday and I see family after family drive by me in their cars. And I just lose it. I want it so bad I can taste it. This isn't the first time either. It happens on walks, when I see families out in their yards doing "family" stuff. Summertime is usually worst for me, because everyone is out and doing things together. I find myself grumbling and sneering at them, subconciously.

I have a GREAT family, the most amazing friends ever, and the cutest, loving, caring little boy around (most of the time). So why do I feel so ungrateful sometimes? Because it's my life, and no one else is living it. Just like my friends, Dave and Kate, who have been trying for years to have kids. Or my friend, "T", who is now a single Dad because of cancer. It's our own reality, our own fight and struggle.

I did have a wonderfully uplifting conversation with a friend at Tully's today. We started talking about Bono and all the charity and AIDS work he does in Africa. From there is went on to agencies and groups that I might want to look into to get the ball rolling. I know there's more out there. And I want Cole to know that also. I think I'm here for a higher purpose and I'm determined to figure it out. That's my ranting and raving for the day, thanks for sharing!! :)