S O C C E R

Note: the John Deere t-shirt with soccer gear. Sweet!

Was it bound to happen?? Yep, I guess so. Cole is officially in a soccer league. And that now makes me.......... a Soccer Mom.







Ugh.









Did you ever think I would say it? I never thought so, but he's happy :)

He is having the time of his life with his friend James. He's running off energy and learning about competitive sportsmanship. He absolutely LOVES it!

We also had a parent-teacher conference the other day and everything is pretty great. She relayed how polite and well manered he is. That he is always quick with his pleases and thank you's. She said he is well-liked and socializes very well. Other than him losing focus - typical for a five year old boy, she see's no problem with him moving on to FIRST GRADE. Yay!!

The above may sound strange to some of you, but as a parent with a child not in school yet, it's not something you worry about. I never did. You just think he's going to go to school, learn stuff, make friends, etc., etc.

Not the case.

Cole came home one day (before he was even in Kindergarten) and I asked him the usual, "How was "school" today?" "Umm, Ok..", he trailed off. "Just OK?", I said, "what happened?" "Nothing, Mama, I was just a-yone." ("alone" in pre-K verbage)

"Alone"??

My son?

I panicked, thinking that my kid was an outsider with no friends, huddled in the corner waiting for his mommy to come and rescue him!

Not the case. Not even close.

I talked to his teachers (plural, I went to ALL of them) and asked how he was getting along with the other kids?, was he making friends?, was he being picked on?, etc., etc.

"Cole?", they all asked in bewilderment. "Cole is one of the most social kids we have here. If we let him, he would float from room to room all day long, just visiting with the kids and teachers."

---------> HUGE sigh of relief entered here <--------

So I guess what I'm saying is that you worry about how your kids are going to do in school. It ISN'T just a given that they'll do as well as you. (pat yourselves on the back) But to hear the confirmation from his teacher put my mind at ease once again.

Now we just have to get thru Soccer season......

Valentimes

I know that's not the way it's pronounced, but having a kid around.... you just don't care! For him it's all about the candy and the parties. And not even so much eating the candy as just getting it. Half of it ends up, "Mama, you would like this one! I don't like it so much, but you will."

Cole gave me the sweetest (or should I say saltiest) Valentine to date......

I woke him up with a "Happy Valentine's Day, honey, time to get up". "Thanks mama," he replied and went out to watch cartoons while I got in the shower. Our normal, daily routine.

I'm drying off and I see the bathroom door open and Cole walking in saying, "Happy Valentime's, mama!"

He was holding a piece of bread.



Buttered.



With ketchup.



Awwwww........ A "ketchup sandwich" that I've eaten since I was a wee one like himself. He broke himself out of the cartoon coma to get the bread from the counter and the butter and ketchup from the fridge to make me a Valentine. (Heart melting to mush......)

"And it's red, mama, for Valentime's Day!", he said. What more could I ask for?

~ Coulee ~

Normal Scenario:

As Cole and I drive up to the house after work and school I can already see him running down the sidewalk to meet me. There were even times that I thought, "Coulee?!? I'm going to end up accidentally hitting you with the car if you don't slow down."

He would be meowing instantly. The times when I was on the phone, waiting for the conversation to end before getting out, he would still meow and meow and meow. Or if he got really impatient with me - stretch his front paws onto the side of my car and paw at my window. He was not quiet or patient about it.

Walking up to the front door he would still be meowing. And purring. All at the same time.

What always got me was the needy-ness he had when we got inside the house. I always thought it was food that he needed, being outside all day. But even when I filled the dish, he was right there, under my feet meowing and meowing and meowing...... He didn't go near the food. He just wanted my attention. He just wanted to be pet on the head - over and over.

Sometimes, between Cole, Coulee, Bugsy and Cici, I just got short with him and had to ignore him. But he never wavered. He always came back for more.

If my lap was empty, he was right there to keep it warm. He was my snuggler at night after Cole was in bed. He took over my pillow (eventhough he knew his was the one next to it).

Reality:

As I pulled up to the house last Tuesday night, no Coulee. "Not too strange," I thought, "it was a nice day outside." Cole and I go inside and I start dinner. Still no Coulee and no "knock" on the screen door (the cats' way of letting me know they want in). I open the door and finally Coulee! But he is laying down on the door mat. It's about 30 degrees out. This is not normal.

He barely eats 2 bites of food. "Maybe he got into something", I'm thinking. He sits on the kitchen chair, crouched in a ball. No meowing, no purring, no incessant "pay attention to me!". Not like him.

I break out the yogurt. The secret weapon. The one food he LOVES. He takes a few laps, but nothing like the usual. We go about our night as usual but he is very detached. No cuddling, no sleeping on the bed.

I let a few days go by. Maybe something needs to work out of his system, maybe it's a bug. But he hasn't eaten or drank anything since. I take him to the Vet and wait for the bloodwork to come back. In my heart, I know what's happening. I know what the outcome will be. I've been through this before. I know what to expect but still cuts just as sharp. I snuggle and cry with him in every spare minute I have.

The Vet calls Saturday morning and gives me the diagnosis in the most professional and caring way he can. "His liver is failing. He may be anemic which could be helped with transfusions. But the main thing we found is that he has Feline Leukemia. I'm so sorry." There is no cure for it, this I know.

I'm beside myself with grief and sadness........ this I could somewhat handle...... this I could somehow muddle through........ but having to explain it to a 5 year old is a whole nother realm. I try to be as honest and gentle as I can, explaining that Coulee will go to the doctor one more time, but he won't come home next time. "Can we go visit him at the doctor?", he asks with curiosity. "No honey, he'll be in Heaven.......", I say....... "He'll be able to keep an eye on us."

This quick deterioration has thrown me for a loop. With my previous cat, Oliver, it was a slow and gradual process. With Coulee it was just so night and day. He was a frisky 6 year old cat who attacked the side of the chair on Monday night because he was so hyper! My furry boyfriend.... who's been with me before Cole and through the divorce. My unconditional Coo-coo, I love you.

Update: February 7, 2007

A somber update on Coulee......... I lost him last night (Feb. 6th) at 11 o'clock. He layed down next to my bed with very shallow breathing...... I just kept petting him, trying to keep him as comfortable as possible........ he passed, but his body kept grasping for air in the most horrific way I could never have imagined.

Cole and I will bury him today in one of his favorite spots beneath the rhododendrons.

It's gone -

but not forgotten. The Snow. The piles and piles and PILES of snow that we came to loathe.



For those of you that know me, you know how much I *LOVE* the flurries, the smell, the sound, the crunch, the everything........ everything except when it overstays its welcome....... everything except when I can't get up a small slope by my house and have to watch the SUV's skate past me....... everything except when I miss work for 3 days straight.


It really was beautiful, I've got photos to prove it, but even by the 3rd day it took Cole a good 3 hours before he wanted to go outside. He was normally waking me at 7am with boots in hand, "Mama...... can we go outside now?"


I'm just glad he finally got to enjoy some snow. It's normally so rare here. Even talking to Shawn's brother in Michigan days before, they had nothing so far! Northern Michigan with no flakes yet and us with snow twice (it was soon to be 3 times). Strange.


Being at home did give me a chance to get a little more organized and do some well deserved purging!! I brewed a big pot of coffee and let the caffeine do its thing! Yippee! Went thru the cupboards and got rid of old mugs, bakeware I have yet to use and baby Cole stuff I just don't need. I "found" my table, filed away the important stuff (really, how long do I have to keep my old phone bills??) and organized all of Cole's artwork - ugh. What a GREAT feeling!!


I know it's a little late for the pictures, but my computer at work is my only outlet, so you just had to wait.

A Year Ago Today

*

A year ago today I met someone who would change my life dramatically.

Someone who made me think,

made me feel

and made me have hope again.

(*gave* me hope again, afterall, I am a Leo. I am woman, hear me roar!)

Shawn. He's strong and silent..

Caring and bold..

Articulate and funny, in a slightly dry sense..

He gets me.. or at least he's pretending and learning..

He holds me tight because he loves to..

He lets me cry even when I don't want to..

He's shown me how fun and enjoyable life can be if you just let it..

I'm indebted in so many ways..

I didn't think he was "my type" and look what happened..

Many more years to come..

Many, many more..

Love.

I'm not sure if I should title this post or if I even did. The last few days have been a blur, to say the least. Shawn and I had to try and juggle schedules with the kids. He normally has Anna when I *don't* have Cole on Christmas.

We decided to do an early Christmas on the 23rd with just the 4 of us. To see them all honestly enjoying what they got was fantastic! It was perfect. Well, as perfect as I could muster, given my mood. I loathe PMS.

Shawn, who was worried about getting me the right gift, spoiled the heck out of me! First, it was tickets to the Seahawks game on the 24th. And not just any tickets...... these were right behind the goalpost, about 10 rows up!! Wowzer! Then came a small, ordinary envelope...... hmmm..... inside was a trip for two to Las Vegas !!! No Way!?!?! For real. He and I had both mentioned that we've never been before. Oh, what a sweetheart!

Then things start to become blurry. It was a whirlwind of packing clothes for 2 days, food for the party, camera, etc, etc......

We got to the game without a hitch. I was set! 7 layers of clothing, coats and a rain poncho later - I was a happy bear! I really thought I wouldn't do as well as I did. I don't like being cold. I don't like being wet. But those 'Hawks came onto the field and it was standing room only.... for all four quarters. They gave a good fight but needless to say took a breather at the end and BAM! Chargers 20, Seahawks 17

We rushed over to my Bro and Sis-in-laws new place in West Seattle for dinner with the fams. Chantale is Italian and let me tell you cooked up the most amazing homemade ravioli !! Yuuummmmmmmm...... Melt-in-your-mouth ricotta with homemade marinara to boot! My description doesn't even do it justice. Just take my word for it - you missed out ;)

On a more somber note: My dad pulled both my brother and I aside on Christmas Eve and gave us the news that my Grampa Norman had passed away. My Dad's stepdad, who's been part of my dad's family since my dad was 16. My last living Grandparent. Gone.

I loved my Grampa Norman. Although he wasn't blood, he was the only paternal grandfather I had known. He was funny and witty and quick. He used to walk everyday, even in the dead of winter in Montana. He had a great laugh and a strong cowboy spirit. I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't seen him in probably 10 years, but kept in touch with cards. Maybe it was for the best that I didn't see him recently. This way I have the same fond memories that will always make me smile. Not of him lying in a bed. Not of him with a walker. Just the same ol Grampa Norman I always remember...... you are loved.

** CHRISTMAS 2006 **

Little man meets the big man

Awwww.... where's the kleenex?

The tree

Cole & Mom

"So this is Christmas...." Whew! I'm blessed, I'm thankful. The season really does something to me. Perspective. Appreciation. Wonderment.

I came into work today with a completely different mindset. I was angry, upset and brought to tears by a stupid man at Cole's daycare. I pushed open the door to leave and BAM! ran into a guy. Not on purpose. Not being careless. I just pushed the door open and there was a man with his little boy.

Instantly I said, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!". He just stared at me.

There was a long pause. A seriously LONG pause.

It felt like a minute went by.

He just stood there and looked at me. Awkward, uneasy silence. I could feel my blood boiling. As the door was still open and he walked inside, I just said, "WOW!"

I couldn't muster anything else. I was so angry, it didn't even make sense to me. How could he upset me so much? I didn't do anything wrong, no one got hurt, and I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE!!!

Gawd.....

I was tearing up as I drove to work. Why?? Now I know how crazy people feel.

It's OK, Christmas is this weekend. Family and gifts and Santa. Thank goodness for Cole.

It's going to be a busy next couple of days with umpteen families to deal with but I can relax on the 26th - I took the day off, just to rub it in. ;)

In honor of my favorite,

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

"Eddie, can I refill your Eggnog, drive you out to the middle of knowhere, leave you for dead?"

"Surprised? If I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised, Eddie."

"Save the neck for me, Clark."

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Let it S N O W !

Cole checking out the Wishbook, just like Mama used to do....

Child Labor

...and the payback !

Yes, that's right, you're looking at photos of Cole in the snow. In Washington. Every once in a blue moon we DO get snow. I love it, I love everything about it. The sound, the smell, the sparkle. I don't even mind the cabin fever so much. Having Cole makes it all new again.

We were watching the Seahawks and Green Bay Packers on Monday Night Football and you would've sworn they were playing in the frozen tundra. But nope, it was in Seattle. Snow all over the field. Qwest Field, that is. Cole was almost in tears because the Seahawks had snow and we didn't - yet. Shortly after, it started falling. I knew right then that we'd be staying home the next day. One inch and the city practically shuts down. And for good reason - we're not equipped for it, and no, we *don't* know how to drive in it.

We ventured out at 8:30pm to play in the snow and what a great time we had! Being a kid, you don't care if it's cold and wet and your gloves are soaked. You just want to stay out as long as your mom will let you. We got some great memories and photos out of it, so it was worth every frozen minute.

Tuesday was a different story...........No school, like I assumed, but it was so dang COLD, you couldn't stay out there for more than 10 minutes! The streets were solid ice, so I didn't dare drive anyplace. I was teetering over driving my car to Metropolitan Market to get a coffee but ruled against it. Knowing my luck, I'd get in a wreck - all in the name of coffee. Not worth it. But when my caffiene headache kicked in around 2pm I said 'screw it!' and off we went without incident.

It's grey and cloudy again, just as the Northwest usually is........I guess it makes us marvel in the snow that much more. I know if I had to live with it everyday, I wouldn't love it as much. Such is life.

Halloween

......And what a cold & blustery but spook-tacular Halloween it was! Cole was Bob the Builder, go figure. I almost had to force him into the "homemade" costume. My own fault, I guess, since I've bought him one every year previous. But he had all the makings already, so it was a no-brainer to me. He's got the tools, the hard hat, the 'spenders, the knee hole jeans, etc. etc.

We met up with his friend Scott, his mom and little brother along with their nieghbors for a hayride in Wright Park and then off to their neighborhood to do some good ol' fashioned trick-or-treating. Just like the old days.... The kids were troopers and made out like bandits - huge, full-size candy bars from most houses!! With Cole not really liking candy, I get stuck with it. Great. Maybe I'll bring it in to work for the guys...

The most memorable part for me - other than seeing my offspring having a fantastic time with his buddy - was getting a peek into the old homes of Tacoma's North Slope. Scott's mom knows all her neighbors and so we stopped and chatted with almost all of them, inviting us into their foyers and such. Ahhhhh....... I was immersed in these spectacular, grand homes that have history just oozing from every crack in their 100 year old original wood floors. Breathtaking. Most were on the Historical Registry as well. And for the bargain price of $430,000. you too could own a 5 bedroom, 3400sf semi fixer upper. That's reduced 20 grand form the original asking price!!

Mama & Cole on the hayride

Owen, Scott & Cole - looking at his tools...

The GANG !!

Awww.......

Oh, and my nephew Beans :)

SEAHAWKS BABY !!

Giants, schmiants...

That's right, I was at the LOUDEST game so far this year! Don't believe all the hype about noise being "piped in" - it's all me, it's all for REAL! If you still doubt, well... #1-you're not a Seahawks fan and #2-you should've called and talked to me on Monday. Ouch! I sound like a duck that's been run over.

They kicked serious BUTT over the big bad Giants. Hahahaha! 21-0 halfway thru the first quarter?? Are you kidding me?? It was electric, pure and simple. Shawn warned me that "you've never experienced something like this". He was right.

The tickets were a birthday present from Shawn way back in July and at first I thought, "OK, a Seahawks game." I like football, I cheered in High School, but I never understood it to the extent that all you football fans do. He's been "coaching" me ever since that nasty incident we refer to as the SuperBowl. Having to watch replays of the Hawks get... well.... 'effed' was brutal, but I learned. And now, I consider myself a 12th man. Err... woman.

I have never screamed so loud, felt that much electricity or had that much adrenaline run through my body. When they released the Hawk - an actual hawk - at the beginning of the game, I thought I was gonna cry. It sounds cliche, it sounds hoakie, I know 'cuz I used to look at sports fans like, "what?!?" But now - not so much. I want a jersey - how crazy is that?!?

COLE'S FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN !!

My baby boy..... going off into the big world.....I know, I know "it's only kindergarten" you're thinking..... but this is my Coley-bear.... my little man..... my skeezix. He'll be just fine, I know that, there's no doubt...... It's the milestone that wrenches my heart..... "They grow up so fast"......now I know what you all mean by that. First day of school....... wowzer, what a day for the mama's of the world. Kleenex anyone??

SUN LAKES 2006

Or as Cole would say, "Sun Yakes" but he didn't go, this is an adult annual camping trip to the Heavenly (and dry and barren) Eastern Washington. This is my guaranteed once-a-year vacation and I cherish it every year! I look forward to it so much that I almost end up wishing summer away just waiting for it at the end of August. Ahhhhhhhhhhh........ enjoy the photos!

Shawn & I relaxing after a hard day of floating

Bring on the Yucca, Dave!!

Shawn being inducted into the group

My brother Sean & my nephew Beans

Dry Falls Lake

Mt. Rainier

Me at the Carbon River Glacier

See that big blackish-grey thing? It's all one HUGE chunk of ice. Amazing in person - you just don't get the scope of it in photos.

I just love this uploading picture thing !! Shawn & I went hiking August 5th on Mt. Rainier up to the Carbon Glacier. I admit, it was a bit tough at first, me not being a regular hiker and all. But it was gorgeous and breathtaking and beautiful. All of natures gusto - BAM! right in front of you. But the bees..... ohhhh the bees...... I guess I was a little ripe and dang did they like me! Ugh!! I swear one must have followed me - circling around me - for 1/4 of a mile. "Just sting me already!!"

I'm SO ready to do it agian! This time with bug spray.

Pictures ?!?

COLE TURNS 5 !!! Scott and Cole at the Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Party !


Cole and his favorite birthday present!! (it was from me, awww...)


Cole & I at his Preschool Graduation !! Ohhhh..... my little Cobo is getting to be such a little man.

Kate, myself & Traci celebrating me leaving Tully's (anything for a party) !!

Let's hope this works....... Most of you know how computer savvy I am, so it's no surprise if these do not show up. This is Shawn & I out bowling with the gang. :) He's really much taller than me - I'm on my tip-toes and he squatted down a bit.

Joy and Pain

I think the reason I haven't blogged lately is because I've been wanting to add photos, and haven't been able to. So much has happened in the past month and there are so many photos I could share.... Ugh. Maybe I'll sneak my camera into work and see if I'm able to upload anything. Some of the happenings:

Cole turned 5 !!!

My little munchkin is a "big boy" now. Five. It's such a milestone. And that very next weekend he learned to ride his two-wheeler without the training wheels!! ("Are you trying to give Mama a heart attack??") He had a week-long birthday celebration - 1st at school, then his party at Chuck E. Cheese, then the family BBQ Party at Grammy & Grumpy's and then at his dads. Yep, spoiled.

Shawn & I are great and busy every stinkin' weekend !! (No complaints here!) Fathers Day weekend, Cole was at his dads, so Shawn, his daughter Anna and I went to Portland for the Champ Car Race. He has a friend who is on the Mi-Jack Racing Team and got us free Pit Passes. It was so amazing to watch those open-air wheel little cars go whizzing by us at 160 mph!! Shawn got to be an actual pit-crew member on the day of the race - which was also Fathers Day. Awww... My most exciting moment was to see Paul Newman in person!! He's co-owner of Newman-Haas and a living ledgend in my book!! I got photos of him sitting in the pit area. Aren't you jealous? ;)

We also went to Wild Waves/Enchanted Village a couple of weekends ago. Talk about a change. That was my summer hang out in junior high and I don't think I've been back since. So a lot has changed since 1988. Ouch!! Can you beleive we're that old?? The green water slides are still the best thing ever and yes, they still have the river ride with the tubes where you get stuck in those dang pools and go around and around until someone is nice enough to push you down. Ahhh... memories.

Cole has been trying my patience this past week for sure. He's been defiant and angry and just not paying attention to athority. Grrr... I know this happens with kids, it's happened with him before, but not for A WEEK AT A TIME!!!! Finally I had to get tough. He had had a red card for the third time last week so I took Shawn's advice: "Tell him how disappointed you are, have a PB sandwich for dinner and send him to bed." Period. I barely spoke to him and was very stern. It took a few (4 to be exact) days, but I think it's finally helping. He got a yellow card at school yesterday! It's not green, but it's an improvement. I told him how proud I was for not getting a red card (positive reinforcement). And I can notice the mood change in him already. "Ahhhh....", she sighs.

More on those photos soon!

Did ya miss me??

Whew!

Life has been a whirl-wind, spaz-tastic kind of game lately. And I *love* every minute of it. :)

Starting with Shawn. Where do I begin? He's great! He's amazing! He tells me often how lucky he is. And he's shocked that anyone let me go. Aww... :) (blushing)

We've had some crazy fun adventures lately. Fishing south of Olympia, races at South Sound Speedway, camping in the rain and spur of the moment trips everywhere! It's so much fun and we're making memories together. He's met the family and it all seems to "click". "Ahhh.." she sighs. His place is too small and so is mine, so we might be looking into that. I'll keep you posted.

And the job, oh the AWESOME job!!! I'll update you soon, gotta go - I'm at work! :P

Love you all!!

Catching Up

Has it really been a month since I posted last?? Amazing how time flies when you're having fun. :) Life is good.

I'm happier and more content than I've ever been. It's a relaxing feeling that washes over me. It's support and backing, but also it's the gut feeling that I can do it. Whatever "it" may be. (now I'm starting to sound like an eBay commercial.) Maybe that's because eBay seems to be my newest addiction lately. Ugh, I know. But I know my limits. Plus, I'm poor to begin with. I mean, have you met me??, I'm a barista.

Speaking of jobs, I'm out there looking. I've been with Tully's for..... it'll be 8 years this summer. Granted, I started out as a manager and have since worked my way backwards. (That's me - always trying to be different!) But I'm bored and if you've talked to me lately, a TAD bit fed up. I've talked about school for 2 years now and have yet to get there. I see my friends with computer jobs paying their bills online and e-mailing me during the day, making double what I make. I admit, Tully's is a fairly easy job. I mean, I get to talk to people all day! But the corporate snobs are getting to me. That and the fact that my hours were cut for two weeks in a row. I'm done.

One word: RESUME

Shawn has helped me put together my resume, got me set up on Monster and gave me the confidence and realization that I can do better. He's the greatest motivator and supporter I could have asked for. A godsend when I needed him the most. He got me interested in school again, told me that it's not as hard as I think and that I could do it; he's a believer. He says HE'S the lucky one...... Sigh. I applied for Bellevue CC - complete online courses that I can do at night while Cole is in bed. I was accepted and should hopefully start this summer!

New things all around. It is, after all, spring !! :)

I registered Cole for kindergarten last Monday..... My little boy. School. I'm tearing up as I'm typing this. He'll be 5 in less than 3 months...... Five !?! He's a bright, articulate, puzzle solving, "how come?", Thomas the Train loving, big-rig driving, fast running, typical 4 year old. He wants to be called "Speedy". He has his good days and bad days, just like we all do. Mostly they've been great! He's mellowed out a little, he plays nicer and he listens more. HE is the best thing I've ever done. Oh what I wouldn't do for that little squirt. But I'm also learning to be more of a hard-ass, so to speak. I know he's a good kid. But I also want to keep him that way and I've let him slide on a few things. Because I'm a single parent? I don't know, but I've got to crack down a bit for his own good. As I've always said, "I'd rather do it now at 4 then at 14."

As for Cole and Shawn...... every interaction becomes easier. I think Cole just becomes jealous of someone else sharing his time. For good reason - he's had me all to himself for the past 3 years. But I can see the two of them slowly working things out already. It'll just take time.

I guess that's it for now. You missed me, didn't you??

Balance

This is a concept that I ponder on a regular basis.

Just when it seems like pieces of my life are falling into place, other parts and peoples lives aren't.

I have met the greatest man I could have ever asked for, who gives me everything I need in every possible way. He's intelligent, sincere, loving and even a bit of a smart-ass. :) Fantastic.

And then it's the other pieces....... My dear friend, Todd, who changed my life in such profound ways in the 6 short months that I've known him has had yet another tragedy. It doesn't even seem possible. On February 14th I sent him a little Valentine's Day text to let him know I was thinking of him. He replied with awful news: "watch the news in the next couple of days, the workers caught my house on fire. no shit."

WHAT THE HELL !?!?!

Are you f-ing kidding me?? Seriously, with all that this man has been through in the past year and now this?? How does the universe really work? He loses his wife/HS sweetheart to cancer, then his dad, then the flood of his basement and sleeping quarters and now this. It's a total loss. Everything. Once I saw the photos it really hit home. I've been there. I've seen the pictures on the wall. The framed photo of his grandfather, father and Todd all at age 18, seniors in High School. The drawings and artwork from Tyler and Kayleigh. The fridge was covered in them. It's heartwrenching. And to lose another member of the family in the process - Punky, the pet cat. Ugh. I can't even begin to imagine.

Another part of the balancing act: My dad had a sore on his head removed to be biopsied. Skin cancer? He now has a huge, quarter-sized hole in the top of his head that is barely being held together by a few stitches.

And Motor, our 10 month old cat, is missing. Cole and I got home Sunday afternoon and he wasn't waiting on the porch as usual. He hasn't been home since. I've searched the alleys and called for him at the neighbors garages, since cats get curious and it's been so cold. But nothing. Now I get to put up flyers. To hear Cole ask, "What happen, mommy? Did somebody take him? Maybe he went to live with somebody else." is by far, the hardest part. Oh Moto......

Is it always a game of give and take or do things ever tend to balance out?

Saint Valentine

Love is in the air :)

Amore.

For those of you who have been reading - I thank you. You've even expressed an interest in what's going on...... even more impressive. I will tease you no longer.

I guess the reason I haven't talked about it is because I don't want to jinx it. With all the crap that has gone on in my life over the past 3 years, I'm done with the let-downs. But I really don't see this as being a let-down. Ever. With my past relationships, I think I knew early on that something was missing. I was making excuses and justifications. That's not part of the deal anymore.

So....... my boyfriends name is Shawn. :) ( how great of a feeling is THAT to say??!! ) And for those of you who know me and my family - stop right there! I've heard the jokes already. Har har.

We met right before New Years and kept it very casual. Meeting every once in awhile to have lunch or see a movie. I went to Mexico but then called him instantly when I got home. We had a few more lunches and movies, but still nothing too deep. I remember telling my friend Maria that we had been on like 7 dates and nada! Not even a kiss. We hugged good-bye every time we parted, but that was the extent of it. She (being the fiesty lesbian that she is) asked me, "Do you think he's gay?" (smart-ass!!) I joked that I was starting to think so.

As I wrote earlier, we went to see Super Deluxe. Walking out to his truck after the show in the rain, he pulled his coat over my head and kissed me. Magic. I asked him why he waited so long and he replied, "Well.... we'll remember this." As simple and sweet as that. He said he could've kissed me anytime at his place or walking me out to my car - and that he wanted to - but that this would be memorable. :)

Also as I wrote earlier, he's a rare commodity, a gem, a keeper, a gentleman. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me think and makes me feel again. He makes me hopeful - not just for he and I, but for life in general. He's a big guy, 6'3" and has an even bigger heart. He tells me he's lucky. He tells me he's glad that I found him. He calls me for no reason, other than to hear my voice. He snuggles on the couch with me to watch a movie. He rubs my shoulders and feet. He hugs me in the elevator. He tells me that I rock! He sends me beautiful texts. He says he can't wait to see me. He asks if I'm warm enough. He sings to me. He plays me songs on his guitar. He pets my hair. He says I'm sexy. He holds my hand when we walk together. He looks at me before he kisses me and doesn't let go. He says I'm stellar. :)

But you know what? I believe I'm the lucky one. For all the things he says and does - the feeling is totally mutual. I give him all of this in return.

I used to despise Valentine's Day ( I still hate the commercialism of it ), but this year stings a lot less. :)

Please don't pinch me...

If I'm dreaming, please don't wake me up.

Even if it turns out to be a nightmare, I'd rather stay asleep.

Because I'm *L*U*C*K*Y* to have met him.

Because I'm a tad smitten.

Because he's a rare commodity.

And you know what? So am I.

He says I'm awesome.

And I finally believe it.

Even though I knew it deep down inside.

This is how it's supposed to feel.