Catching Up

Has it really been a month since I posted last?? Amazing how time flies when you're having fun. :) Life is good.

I'm happier and more content than I've ever been. It's a relaxing feeling that washes over me. It's support and backing, but also it's the gut feeling that I can do it. Whatever "it" may be. (now I'm starting to sound like an eBay commercial.) Maybe that's because eBay seems to be my newest addiction lately. Ugh, I know. But I know my limits. Plus, I'm poor to begin with. I mean, have you met me??, I'm a barista.

Speaking of jobs, I'm out there looking. I've been with Tully's for..... it'll be 8 years this summer. Granted, I started out as a manager and have since worked my way backwards. (That's me - always trying to be different!) But I'm bored and if you've talked to me lately, a TAD bit fed up. I've talked about school for 2 years now and have yet to get there. I see my friends with computer jobs paying their bills online and e-mailing me during the day, making double what I make. I admit, Tully's is a fairly easy job. I mean, I get to talk to people all day! But the corporate snobs are getting to me. That and the fact that my hours were cut for two weeks in a row. I'm done.

One word: RESUME

Shawn has helped me put together my resume, got me set up on Monster and gave me the confidence and realization that I can do better. He's the greatest motivator and supporter I could have asked for. A godsend when I needed him the most. He got me interested in school again, told me that it's not as hard as I think and that I could do it; he's a believer. He says HE'S the lucky one...... Sigh. I applied for Bellevue CC - complete online courses that I can do at night while Cole is in bed. I was accepted and should hopefully start this summer!

New things all around. It is, after all, spring !! :)

I registered Cole for kindergarten last Monday..... My little boy. School. I'm tearing up as I'm typing this. He'll be 5 in less than 3 months...... Five !?! He's a bright, articulate, puzzle solving, "how come?", Thomas the Train loving, big-rig driving, fast running, typical 4 year old. He wants to be called "Speedy". He has his good days and bad days, just like we all do. Mostly they've been great! He's mellowed out a little, he plays nicer and he listens more. HE is the best thing I've ever done. Oh what I wouldn't do for that little squirt. But I'm also learning to be more of a hard-ass, so to speak. I know he's a good kid. But I also want to keep him that way and I've let him slide on a few things. Because I'm a single parent? I don't know, but I've got to crack down a bit for his own good. As I've always said, "I'd rather do it now at 4 then at 14."

As for Cole and Shawn...... every interaction becomes easier. I think Cole just becomes jealous of someone else sharing his time. For good reason - he's had me all to himself for the past 3 years. But I can see the two of them slowly working things out already. It'll just take time.

I guess that's it for now. You missed me, didn't you??

Balance

This is a concept that I ponder on a regular basis.

Just when it seems like pieces of my life are falling into place, other parts and peoples lives aren't.

I have met the greatest man I could have ever asked for, who gives me everything I need in every possible way. He's intelligent, sincere, loving and even a bit of a smart-ass. :) Fantastic.

And then it's the other pieces....... My dear friend, Todd, who changed my life in such profound ways in the 6 short months that I've known him has had yet another tragedy. It doesn't even seem possible. On February 14th I sent him a little Valentine's Day text to let him know I was thinking of him. He replied with awful news: "watch the news in the next couple of days, the workers caught my house on fire. no shit."

WHAT THE HELL !?!?!

Are you f-ing kidding me?? Seriously, with all that this man has been through in the past year and now this?? How does the universe really work? He loses his wife/HS sweetheart to cancer, then his dad, then the flood of his basement and sleeping quarters and now this. It's a total loss. Everything. Once I saw the photos it really hit home. I've been there. I've seen the pictures on the wall. The framed photo of his grandfather, father and Todd all at age 18, seniors in High School. The drawings and artwork from Tyler and Kayleigh. The fridge was covered in them. It's heartwrenching. And to lose another member of the family in the process - Punky, the pet cat. Ugh. I can't even begin to imagine.

Another part of the balancing act: My dad had a sore on his head removed to be biopsied. Skin cancer? He now has a huge, quarter-sized hole in the top of his head that is barely being held together by a few stitches.

And Motor, our 10 month old cat, is missing. Cole and I got home Sunday afternoon and he wasn't waiting on the porch as usual. He hasn't been home since. I've searched the alleys and called for him at the neighbors garages, since cats get curious and it's been so cold. But nothing. Now I get to put up flyers. To hear Cole ask, "What happen, mommy? Did somebody take him? Maybe he went to live with somebody else." is by far, the hardest part. Oh Moto......

Is it always a game of give and take or do things ever tend to balance out?

Saint Valentine

Love is in the air :)

Amore.

For those of you who have been reading - I thank you. You've even expressed an interest in what's going on...... even more impressive. I will tease you no longer.

I guess the reason I haven't talked about it is because I don't want to jinx it. With all the crap that has gone on in my life over the past 3 years, I'm done with the let-downs. But I really don't see this as being a let-down. Ever. With my past relationships, I think I knew early on that something was missing. I was making excuses and justifications. That's not part of the deal anymore.

So....... my boyfriends name is Shawn. :) ( how great of a feeling is THAT to say??!! ) And for those of you who know me and my family - stop right there! I've heard the jokes already. Har har.

We met right before New Years and kept it very casual. Meeting every once in awhile to have lunch or see a movie. I went to Mexico but then called him instantly when I got home. We had a few more lunches and movies, but still nothing too deep. I remember telling my friend Maria that we had been on like 7 dates and nada! Not even a kiss. We hugged good-bye every time we parted, but that was the extent of it. She (being the fiesty lesbian that she is) asked me, "Do you think he's gay?" (smart-ass!!) I joked that I was starting to think so.

As I wrote earlier, we went to see Super Deluxe. Walking out to his truck after the show in the rain, he pulled his coat over my head and kissed me. Magic. I asked him why he waited so long and he replied, "Well.... we'll remember this." As simple and sweet as that. He said he could've kissed me anytime at his place or walking me out to my car - and that he wanted to - but that this would be memorable. :)

Also as I wrote earlier, he's a rare commodity, a gem, a keeper, a gentleman. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me think and makes me feel again. He makes me hopeful - not just for he and I, but for life in general. He's a big guy, 6'3" and has an even bigger heart. He tells me he's lucky. He tells me he's glad that I found him. He calls me for no reason, other than to hear my voice. He snuggles on the couch with me to watch a movie. He rubs my shoulders and feet. He hugs me in the elevator. He tells me that I rock! He sends me beautiful texts. He says he can't wait to see me. He asks if I'm warm enough. He sings to me. He plays me songs on his guitar. He pets my hair. He says I'm sexy. He holds my hand when we walk together. He looks at me before he kisses me and doesn't let go. He says I'm stellar. :)

But you know what? I believe I'm the lucky one. For all the things he says and does - the feeling is totally mutual. I give him all of this in return.

I used to despise Valentine's Day ( I still hate the commercialism of it ), but this year stings a lot less. :)

Please don't pinch me...

If I'm dreaming, please don't wake me up.

Even if it turns out to be a nightmare, I'd rather stay asleep.

Because I'm *L*U*C*K*Y* to have met him.

Because I'm a tad smitten.

Because he's a rare commodity.

And you know what? So am I.

He says I'm awesome.

And I finally believe it.

Even though I knew it deep down inside.

This is how it's supposed to feel.

Almost feels like spring

I can't believe that a week ago I wrote that I was glad to be home. The ocean, the palm trees, the sun, the sand, the r-e-l-a-x-i-n-g. Ahhhh......... But I really am glad to be back in this hell-hole that is Tacoma. :)

And as the title says, it "almost feels like spring". Spring to me is new beginnings. New tasks. New obstacles. New life out of the dead of our rainy and dreary winter. This one being especially rainy and tumultuous. I sincerely believe I have changed and morphed over the past year, since the previous spring. It's funny who floats in and out of your life. The constants are there, but not yours to keep. For whatever reasons. But spring brings the promise of new and exciting things to come. I *love* that feeling. I've been feeling it for the past week.

I finally got to see Super Deluxe after about a year!!!!!! God, I forget how much I love them. They put on the greatest live shows!! The show was at Neumo's in Seattle right off Broadway and although I had to open the next morning (6:30 am), it was my idea to go, so Shawn drove. The band on before SD ended (couldn't tell you their name, have you met me and my memory??) and on the way to the bar we bump into Braden Blake, the icon of a popstar that he is. Shawn has seen them umpteen times and the two rambled about random show venues. I threw in my two cents about them playing at (what was) Fenders in T-town. He even introduced us to his wife who was having her 39th birthday that night. He's a normal joe. Although I've met them all before, it was usually *after* the shows when we were all pretty trashed.

Their set was fantastic and although I have to admit I've seen better, nothing compares to the whole crowd singing all the lyrics to Years Ago... "despite the fight of intellect, instinct will rule...". Beautiful. Neumo's is a fairly small venue and it was packed! With Shawn singing in my ear behind me, I was in musical heaven. :)

And the weekend just got better from there.

Sunday was a casual, lounging, snuggling-on-the-couch kind of day. Breakfast and coffee and Dazed and Confused..... My type of relaxation. :)

Been catching up on some of my "list of movies" also:

Cold Mountain - Highly recommended. Gut wrenching and a realization that you're stronger than you think. Renee Zellweger steals the show! (and those of you who know me, know how much I can't really stand the woman - divorcing Kenny Chesney?? don't get me started...)

Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind - Brilliant. I'm going to have to watch it again for my own sake, but really amazing.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith - .....ugh..... I hate to admit that I watched it, not to mention that I liked it. The whole Brad/Angelina fiasco turns my stomach - me being a HUGE Jennifer Aniston supporter. (he's a slimeball and Miss Jolie, who used to wear the vile of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck?? forgot about that one, didn't ya?) But I really want their kitchen in my future house!! That was kick-ass!!

I'm looking forward to moving forward. Spring - it's right around the corner. Our days are already getting longer! It's still light out at like 5:15 !!!!! Woo Hoo!

Tan and glad to be home

I know, can you believe I said that?? "Glad to be home"?? What is she thinking??

Mazatlan was beautiful, don't get me wrong. A pristine mile long beach to walk. Soft, smooth golden sand to lay on. Colorful and exotic shells to search for. Palm trees in place of Evergreens. The best - and strongest - margaritas I've ever had. Being practically clothes-less for 12 hours of the day. And sharing the whole experience with my brother and sister. It was Heaven.

We had a blast, to say the least! Other than my brother getting heat stroke the 2nd day we were there and then pulling a calf muscle helping with a banana boat, we all seemed to have a restful vacation.

I think we all went down there with the mindset of doing close to nothing. We all ventured to the Juarez Mercado to do a bit of "local" shopping on Sunday. What an adventure! It was a local street fair/swap meet freestyle. Tons of color and flavor of the city. They even saw pig heads on sticks. ( If you know me, you get the fact that "they" saw them. It's all hear-say to me ) We saw a man blowing fire on the street corner. And met a man holding his Chihuahua who growled at us every time we came any closer, "He no like gringo's".

But really, the trip consisted of us sitting on lounge chairs on the beach. Taking in all the rays we could manage. When we left SeaTac, it was a record 26 straight days of rain. And my sister and her girlfriend, coming from Minneapolis where it barely gets over 30 degrees for 6 months in a row. We needed this. Our biggest dilemma was where to eat every night. We were all a bit disappointed with that as well. The food pretty much sucked. No real, authentic Mexican food to be found. I think they were just trying too hard to make it more "Americanized". Everything came with refried beans!! No whole beans whatsoever. And believe it or not, their refried beans were worse than Azteca. Tsk, tsk.

I did get some great new silver rings, :) an X-rated photo with Mr. Senor Frog himself, fantastic photos of the palms and flowers, and even a resident iguana - at our pool! The margaritas still stick in my mind. My poor sober sister had to deal with her drunken sister all week. Ugh. ( many apologies! ) They even wrote my room # on a slip of paper from the hotel and stuck it in my pocket - just in case. :) Ohhhh.......... good times. ( "Solamente!" )

I missed Cole more than I knew how to handle. With my siblings and their talk of "missing their dogs", I was about to scream! ( I love y'all to death, but...) I left my 4 year old at home !!! I was scared to call home to my parents for fear that if I heard his voice I would crumble. I didn't want him to get sad and weepy on the phone because that would make me sad and weepy. Ugh. Kids. There were so many kids at the hotel, too! Which made me miss him even more. I've realized that he'll go with next time. No matter what my situation is. If I'm single or if I'm married, he'll go too. It's too hard otherwise. By the time I pulled into my parents driveway and saw him playing outside I was in tears. I was just so happy to see him. :) Oh.... that boy....

Back to reality. Which is good. Sometimes you need a vacation to give you a little clarity. To make you realize what is most important in your life. To make you appreciate your roots and realize that you have wings hidden back there as well.

Irritated...

I've said it before:

I heart/hate technology !!!

I posted the "Mexico" blog Tuesday night and it *still* hasn't shown up! It's now Thursday morning..... Grrrrr.

Hope you are all well.

And what do I care about this blogging anyway - I'm going to MEXICO, baby!!! Sun. Surf. Senors. (it doesn't have the same effect without the squiggle above the letter. Dang.)

M E X I C O !

Woh, Mexico...
it sounds so simple,
I just got to go.
The sun's so hot
I forgot to go home,
guess I'll have to go now.

Mexico, James Taylor


Ohhhh yeeeaaaahhh........ In about 3 days, I'll be in sunny Mazatlan !! Away from this drab and dreary-ness. Ahhhhh.....

Are you jealous?? Cuz you should be. I say that with the most love. :) This was my "divorce" present from my parents (LOVE them!). I've been to Mexico before, Puerto Vallarta with my brother about 5 years ago. If you've met my mom, you know the story that goes with it. I won't repeat it - it makes me wince every time.

I plan on doing Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Yes this, to me, is what a vacation is. I know we'll hit the local market and maybe take a day tour to one of the villages in the mountain/jungle. But other than that, I plan to park my keister in a lounge chair and sunbathe.... Soak up the rays.... Revel in the planet that is the ruler of this Leo.... Jumping in the pool or ocean to cool off every hour or so.

It's a sort of family trip, also. I'm flying down with my brother Sean and sis-in-law Chantale. My sister Kathy and her girlfriend Emily are flying down to meet us there, from Minnesota. I was worried about being left out as the only "single", but my sister put me at ease early on, "I want to spend time with my *siblings*", she said emphatically. Yay! :)

This marks the first time I will really be *away* from Cole. Since he was born. Ugh. I did have my first vacation to Sun Lakes last summer without him, but it was only 4 days and a 3 hour car trip. And yes, he stayed at his dad's for a week between Christmas and New Years, but again - a 3 1/2 hour drive away. Plus I was busy with work and friends. Not lounging around, doing nothing. We'll see.....

I joked with friends that I will get down there and phone my parents at the end of the week to,"send me Cole - I'm not coming back." Don't laugh, it could happen. It very well could happen. I would miss my family and friends, but the rat-race really gets to me sometimes. What I wouldn't give to chuck it all and start over sometimes. In a warm, tropical place. Ahhhh.....

As I sit here and "write" this, I think of all the mix of people that read it: family, friends, ex's, co-workers, high school alumni, older, younger and possibly complete strangers. Funny how many lives you touch.

So....... bring on the margaritas!!!! I'm ready!

I blew out my flip-flop
Stepped on a pop-top
Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home
But there's booze in the blender
And soon it will render
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on

Wastin' away again in margaritaville.....

Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffett


Adios !!

Merry Christmas !!

Whew..... All I have to say is:

Thank God It's Over

It was a pleasantly memorable Christmas, it really was. I'm just thankful it's over with. As much as I love Christmas, it was too stressful this year.

Between stressing about money and time, I was exhausted.

Cole and I did have a nice gift exchange and lunch with Todd, Tyler and Kayleigh. Cole got trucks - bravo T, how did you know?? :P The kids taught Cole all about video games - oh crap, and now it starts...... But the funniest part of the afternoon was Cole wanting to write in the journal that we gave Kayleigh. "Momma, she didn't shawe and dat's not nice. I'n not gonna be hew fwiend.", he told me. Trying to explain to a 4 1/2 year old that it's her special book and she might not want to share - doesn't work like it should.

I puchased the last of the gifts and Cole helped me wrap. He and tape do not get along. Poor child!

I had to work Saturday - surprise, surprise - until 4:30. UGH!! I rushed home then rushed out to Graham for the festivities at my parents. Cole had stayed out there Friday night and hadn't been feeling well. Lucky for all, otherwise he would've been bouncing off the walls.

We opened gifts with all of us taking turns and Cole shouting, "You're up!". God forbid we go any slower. He got a scooter from G & G and began flying through the house. Thank God for no stairs!

Christmas morning, I awake to Cole whispering, "Momma, I tink I'm gonna frow up...". Yep, that's how my blessed Chrismas morning began. Poor kiddo. He only got a little sick, but was very lathargic for a 4 year old who just got a ton of toys from Santa.

We hurried and ate breakfast and then I had to haul Cole to meet his dad.

At 11am.

An hour away.

On CHRISTMAS morning. Argh.

Next year will be later. I understand that Ken wants and deserves to see his son, but I'm not going to interrupt Cole's festivities as much as possible next year. It's just not fair to him. And that's what all of this is about anyway.

And now Cole is gone for ....A WEEK..... at his dads. A week without him. Wha?? What am I going to do? Who am I?? I'm wondering who this is going to be harder on......

Hope you all had a FANTASTIC holiday. Next year will be better. This one wasn't bad by any means, I'm just ready to get things moving - whatever that is.

Love you all! Hugs

Almost here....

Yep, Christmas is almost here....

And you know what? I'm starting to feel it hit me.

The lonliness, the alone, the discarding.

I *was* fine, I really was. Ok, so I was hating every other customer that came in. And the couples......... don't even get me started. "Bite me", is what I wanted to say when they walked in. Grrrrr.....

My life changed drastically 3 years ago, right before Christmas. We went from this great, close-knit family with a new little one. All the hope in the world right in front of us.

And he took it and chucked it in the f***ing trash can. *I* didn't want this. *I* didn't choose this. *I* married for life and he just bailed. Just like that.

So now I take my pieces and try to rebuild.

This time of year is just as bad as Valentine's Day. Only you get to see more family who always have to ask, "How are you? Are you seeing anyone?".

But I didn't choose this.

It's been three years and it still isn't healed. I wonder if it ever will be.

I hear people say that "divorce is a choice". Oh really??? It sure wasn't *MY* choice. I *liked* being married. I *liked* being married to my best friend. I *liked* being a family. So who's choice is this really?? Cause I sure didn't sign up for this one.

Maybe they're talking about the ones that don't try. Yep, did that also. Went to counseling for five straight weeks, sitting accross from a man I thought I knew, with his arms crossed. Don't think that I didn't try, because God damnit, I gave 110% and then some.

I think we need to change the stigma on divorce. Especially for those who didn't choose it in the first place.

I not only lost my husband, but I lost my sense of self, my ability to trust and my best friend.

But it was a choice.

Right.

"Last Christmas"

I always forget how much I LOVE that song from Wham! Totally 80's and soooo Jr. High for me. Ahhh.... memories. :)


Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby, do you recognise me?
Well it's been a year it doesn't surprise me

(Happy Christmas!)I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face of a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

I adore the Christmas season, I'm the first to admit it. I love everything about it, the crowds, the hustle, the bustle - everything! Except when I'm poor, then it's just a downer all the way around.

This week has been surprisingly great! Compared to last weekend, I'm making strides.

I'm single - again - this Christmas.

Things came to a huge she-bang with my emotions and T. I was trying to be realistic about the whole thing, but was kidding myself at the same time. The Devil and Angel on my shoulders were dueling it out pretty harshly and I was oblivious. At least I thought so. I was in denial. But when you get such mixed messages from someone, it's hard not to. As a female, I'm wired emotionally. And in my case..... "super emotional" just scrapes the surface. He is shut down in that mind-set right now, but still gave me more than I've ever had. Ever. Which was confusing to me. I knew the rights and wrongs of it all, but you can't change what your heart feels. Ugh.

I read early on about the "ferryboat". It's the person that takes the widowed from their old life to their new life. A stepping stone, if you will. It was painful to read about. I wanted to believe I was more than that. But I am now the giver of the "Widda Scouts Premature Relationship Merit Badge". We'll always be friends. I know that for a fact.

"Everything happens for a reason....." Am I not always saying that?? :)

In happier news, Cole and I have been enjoying the holidays together! Watching all of those GREAT Christmas cartoons from when I was a kid. You know..... Frosty, Rudolph, Charlie Brown and The Grinch. He laughs so hard at the Grinch, it gets me giggling right along with him.

I've been able to see close friends lately and started to realize how much I miss that. We're all starting to have kids/families now and don't get together like we used to. (I'm sure everyone's neighbors appreciate it, though!) These are the people who knew me with Ken and after Ken. Kate, Traci and I baked cookies this afternoon and it was lovely to have the girl talk again. I love them. They've been there for everything. And Kate and I keep each other going with our struggles. Her with her desire for a child and me with my "man-erisms". We both know what it's like to want something....

I'm tired and losing steam, but wanted to let y'all know I'm still here and fiesty as ever!!

Let the lion ROAR!

And Jen........... when are we gonna get that God D@mn cup of coffee?? Sheesh!

SNOW !

It started snowing today and it was beautiful! The calm, the quiet, the covering of the ugliness around us. Okay, so I was at work and it was busy - everyone and their brother wanting freaking egg nog lattes. Ugh.

The snow is a HUGE delight for me. I love it! I had a smile plastered across my face all day. (well, that was for other reasons also...) It's a cleansing, almost. Clearing the slate for a new beginning. God dangit - another sign.

I need to pay attention to these more carefully. Take things for what they are. Take people for what they are. Take their words for what they are. People really do speak the truth in so many ways. We just tend to change it into what we want to hear or believe. Heh - stupid humans.

Evaluating my life and way of living has been my main focus for the past three years. And I have to admitt, I'm a bit tired. Tired of thinking all the time. I over-analyze everything, and I'm finding out that many other women do it also. "Turn it off" has been a motto I try to live by lately, but it's not easy.

We all want different things, and that's okay. But the games and the bullshit and the bulk of the men out there really suck. Ah well. What can you do? Maybe it can snow in my head and wipe the slate clean.

Either way, I know Cole enjoyed the snow. I could picture him grinning at school when it started falling.

Snow.... my rare escape from reality once in awhile. Let it blanket us, so we can forget all of the ugliness for a bit. There's always tomorrow. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow !!

Ellie May, is that you??

Halloween 2005

...rawr...

Lynnae and Shannon

Some random night at Dock St.

Me, Valerie, Suzie and Stacie

Candice's Party

Okay, I don't know how to edit pics, but this is me with Randy.

Candice's party - April 2005

Candice, Megan, Lynnae and Susanna

Megan's Birthday Party at The Swiss

Me, getting ready for Candice's party.

I know... boring. But my computer is choosing what it wants to upload.

I'm trying to upload any pics that I can. This is what is showing up so far... me on "Super Fun Hat Night" at Dock St. This was Candice's birthday in April 2005.

Well.... it's a start

I finally got a picture up! Okay, it's of my chest, but whatever!

My friend Valerie's birthday party was Saturday at Dock St. It was also dubbed "Super Fun T-shirt Night". Mine wasn't as fun as the rest, but again... whatever!

Yeah, we're FUN!